I’m done with big goals. Or at least I’m taking a break. See, I used to run a loop that, in hindsight, looks ridiculous:
Create a list of big goals,
Hype myself up — let’s get after it,
Work,
Notice that I was not achieving the goals and … make a new list of goals?!
I liked the burst of enthusiasm of writing a new list. Each goal was like a distant peak waiting to be conquered. At that moment, everything seemed possible. … Just one more list. More ambitious goals! This time it will work! Instead, I got mini burnouts.
“Today, everyone is an auto-exploiting labourer in his or her own enterprise,” Byung-Chul Han writes in The Burnout Society. “People are now master and slave in one. Even class struggle has transformed into an inner struggle against oneself.” I was really good at that, struggling against myself. Aim, motivate, push… and falter.
Maybe you’ve shared that experience? Somehow, after a bunch of work, you are still here and all the goals are still over there. You pushed the boulder, yet it doesn’t feel like you made progress. I hope not, but that’s what it felt like for me.
There was something else going on with the goals themselves. They didn’t seem to stick. It was as if the mountains changed shape when I slept. Some even disappeared. I held them in my head but not in my body.
Even so, I continued to set new goals. It was my safety blanket: Look, I’m still trying!
I dug through my notes for a few examples of ‘mountains.’ The main bucket was about achievement and money.
Write a bestselling book… Or a book a year…. Get to a hundred thousand Substack subscribers… Write a post every day… Create a finance YouTube channel and reach millions of people…
A second bucket about relationships, spirituality, and fun.
Be in a loving relationship with an inspiring partner… Raise a family… Own a townhouse to host dinners and sound meditations… Create music… Dance… Be in nature… Travel the world…
Finally, there was a word cloud filled with values and ideas like love, service, forgiveness, creativity, healing, God. Let’s call it loosely ‘purpose’.
I think what happened is that the list of goals turned my gaze outward and to the future. All I could see was the mountain, the distance, the obstacles. When things didn’t work, I could blame the world. That prevented me from being more aware of my inner state.
Specifically, I’m thinking about inner conflict. Perhaps the list of goals was too long? Diagnosing a lack of focus is easy. A more interesting question is why so many goals? I see people as fractal with an “inner family” of sub-personalities or parts. What if there is an inner struggle to get different goals on the list? How much energy is wasted managing that disharmony? Is it possible self-sabotage is partially an inner battle over supremacy?
Let’s say ‘success me’ wants to grow the substack and decides posting more frequently is the way to go. I know there is another part that is horrified by the commitment to write on the clock. Push and pull.
The same goes for turning the finance profiles into a YouTube channel or a book — ideas I took stabs at. Interesting goals? Maybe. Was my inner world aligned to do more finance content? No. On the contrary: it was in rebellion already.
Then there’s the issue of the mountain behind the mountain. How often do we climb Mount Money while thinking about Mount Meaning later? If you are aware of this while climbing, how could you climb with all your energy? I think this one is an energy killer. You can do that for a few years. Say, get a degree and get through a few grueling junior years in a difficult career path. But it’s going to take a toll. (I wrote about this in Marshmallow Mind, also known as the arrival fallacy.)
The goals I could see as mountains tended to be about having. That doesn’t make them bad goals — it’s valuable to prosper and be able to provide — but they are mere waypoints, the future foundation for more meaningful experiences. It’s important to push the and then what button until you find the goals of being and doing for which they stand. They can also obscure unresolved inner states (I must earn X amount to be worthy of the relationship I want — because inherently I do not feel worthy…).
Goals of having are not bad, but they are not alive. They’re focused on objects of brief moments of achievement. At least for me, they required a steady infusion of energy. Meanwhile, what gave me energy — what was alive and meaningful — was up there in the clouds, ungrounded. The mountains took priority. We’ll get to the fun stuff later…
There was not even a hint of flow. I felt disconnected from the voice of my intuition and my creative night shift. I had no idea how to tap into my stream. So yeah, burnout.
Brian Whetten helped me shift my perspective fundamentally.
People tend to look at the clouds for an answer, Brian pointed out to me. They look for ‘The One’ purpose, “that one special career, activity, or relationship,” he writes in Yes Yes Hell No: The Little Book for Making Big Decisions. But purpose, he told me, is always relational. The meaning of life is “growth, contribution, connection, and creativity.” Purpose can show up in “millions of ways.”
If we don’t feel its energy, it’s because we don’t connect with it through specific and intentional action. Action is the lightning rod that channels the charge in the clouds. Brian’s mantra: “Help one person solve one problem.”
Help one person with one problem. Make one connection. Create and share one thing. Teach one idea. Be of service, now, and notice when you light up.
“If you want to have a great life,” he writes, “make your values more important than your goals.” Find the essence behind and then what goals and turn your highest priorities into a compass. That is where I have been shifting my attention: to direction, presence, and action.
Direction: Am I clear about my purpose and values — who and what matters (see also: the energy of legacy and direction of destiny)?
Presence: Am I showing up fully for the person or task in front of me? Am I grateful for the gift of this moment?
… and action.
Henrik Karlsson wrote about the shift from vision to unfolding, a “feedback loop that embeds the context’s knowledge into your design,” in his mind-blowing piece. “My goal is to write a few good essays,” he writes in the footnotes. “The problem is when a goal becomes more than a direction, when you start to visualize the specific design you want to end up with. You want to hold long term goals loosely so that you can easily course correct when the context gives you new information.”
That was my problem. I want to hold goals more loosely now and move in harmony with the flow of reality. I want to listen to the stream, respond to it, follow it. I’m done trying to dig canals. Time to drop the boulder and unfold in alignment with purpose.
… but I am also curious: what would it feel like to catch lightning? How much energy is out there, waiting for us to tap in?
— Frederik
Daily feedback loop.
Connect to the inner compass. Ground in the present. Take action. Learn. Repeat. This loop feels alive, aligned, and responsive to feedback. I suspect it will compound over time. It also allows me to check in daily:
Am I acting in alignment with my purpose?
Am I being intentional in my actions?
Did this (inter-)action give or drain energy?
How else can I be of service?
Am I learning? Am I listening?
Let me know: the video.
Let’s chat.
As mentioned, I am opening weekly slots for Zoom calls again. If you feel stuck on a big goal or decision (or stuck staring at too many big goals), contact me. I will share some questions for reflection. Then we can see if something is ready to shift.
Also, if you are in the US and fear is getting in the way of a big leap: I want to pay it forward and would be happy to buy five copies of Yes Yes Hell No for people going through the process with me (also check out Brian’s podcast with Tom Morgan).
✍️Prompts: Cure goal-setting addiction and catch lightning.
Make sure you read this by Henrik Karlsson.
Goal overload.
Brain dump.
Write down every one of your goals by hand and from memory. Notice which ones didn’t make the list.
If you only had time in your life left for one — or if one was to define your legacy — which one could the world not live without? Cross the others out. Notice which ones were most painful to delete? Why?
Probe for emotional resonance.
Which ones do you have the strongest opinions on?
What do others get wrong? What goal frustrates you the most?
Which is scariest?
Consider the language.
Which goals appear in your authentic voice and which are borrowed from your influences? Watch for slang and key words you’ve borrowed from the people who admire (or envy).
Exploring inner conflict and stuckness.
Try the inner dialogue journaling method.
How does your inner world really feel about your big goal? What opinions have been ignored? What if everyone was allowed to speak their mind? What opinions, fears, emotions are present?
Use Brian Whetten’s Yes Yes Hell No to make friends with fear and find the concealed message (remember, there are no problems)
Goal behind the goal.
Group your goals into having, being, doing, and change (letting go of unhealthy behaviors, relationships). Compare the length of each list. Consider how satisfied you are today with what you have, do, and your general experience of life.
Separate what you like from what you think you should like.
Spend time on your values and purpose — where does it show up in your goals? What goals are and then what stand-ins?
Which goals are created by an unresolved inner state — look for pain, judgment, fear, shame, grief…
Push the and then what button until you hit solid rock.
For example: I want money → to signal status (car, home, travel) → to date → to have sex → actually, to be in a loving relationship → to feel loved → could I feel loved today? Do I feel worthy of love today?
You can still pursue all the success goals you want after. You’ll just do it feeling better about yourself :)
Tap into lightning.
Find clarity about your inner compass: what is non-negotiable regardless of how much material success you achieve?
Connect the cloud to the present:
What action can you take now to connect with purpose? Help one person with one problem. Get feedback. Notice energy. Repeat.
Back to basics: what delights? What brings joy? What energizes?
See the prompts for The momentum of mission.
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